next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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