If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
