does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
