The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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