so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
