worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
