dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i need some magic done to my vagina
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
