I can tuck mytits in my pants
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
