Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
