Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
