im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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