Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
