You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
