last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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