i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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