So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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