i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
