Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
