my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
