Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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