two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
