Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
