My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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