On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
