Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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