I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
