I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
