Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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