Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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