I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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