Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Is it penis luge time yet?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
