In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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