White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
