True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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