Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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