you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
