Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
