Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
