I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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