Will you blow on my dice?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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