I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
