my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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