My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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