Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
