How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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