I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
