Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
