just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think I won the penis lottery.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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