You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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