Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
