I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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