Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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