you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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