Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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