It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
3 2 1 whiskey
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
