dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
