I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
