I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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