if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
